We went to Baltimore for Thanksgiving to visit Ryan's parents, and while there spent a few hours with Mary touring her college campus. Ryan requested some alone time with Mary, and I knew that he was serious. When we returned home, he asked for my dad's phone number. Definitely serious. So I called in my reinforcements.
Now I am not entirely proud of this, but I truly hated this whole process. Most other girls would have been celebrating right? And I didn't know why I couldn't. (Something to do with being terrified of commitment and having trust issues?) All I knew was that I hated being left out of the most important decision of my life, and I hated everyone else knowing about it before me. It didn't feel like mine. I wish I could say that I got over it and let Ryan propose like a normal person, but I didn't. I called Mary and another friend I knew Ryan had talked to, and I clarified the details.
With their help I deducted that Ryan was giving me a family heirloom ring. I had known about it's existence for more than a year, and was fairly sure he had gotten it from his mom over Thanksgiving. I also deducted that Ryan would propose before Christmas, as my big brother was returning from Iraq a few days prior and we were going to Orlando to see the whole family, and then ending the holiday break back in Baltimore with his parents. My sources confirmed my suspicions after they heard the insane panic in my voice. Everyone told me I was over-reacting, and to calm down. But for some reason I could not be calm.
After the first week of December passed with me on edge every time I was in Ryan's presence, I broke down and told him what I knew. And told him how crazy it was making me. At first I think he was frustrated (who can blame him???) but finally I think he realized how important being part of the decision was for me. He asked if I would feel better if I had more preparation, and of course I said yes. He then simply asked if I would go on a walk with him on the 15th. I broke down crying and of course said yes again. I think that moment was the real proposal moment for me- knowing that we had finally decided "together-ish" that we were going to get married. Now I just had to wait for the ring, but now I knew it was coming, because Ryan had told me. We were doing this together. My panic started to go away.
On the 15th (after buying new clothes to wear, and of course telling all of my friends in advance, because that's how I do things) I got ready and sat around waiting for him to come get me. We awkwardly and silently drove to Starbucks, and then to Piedmont Park. We got out of the car, although it was slightly drizzling. Half way across the park, CRACK! Lightning struck loudly and suddenly it started pouring. Ryan looked concerned, but it just made me laugh. We were under an umbrella, after all. Well apparently he had grand plans, but considering the rain we found some stairs next to the lake, and Ryan got down on his knee in the rain, and opened the ring box. (Upside down. But that's why I love him.) I laughed and pulled him up out of the rain and said yes. We both got soaked, but it was worth it for a perfect moment alone in the middle of Piedmont Park, standing in the rain, agreeing to spend our lives together.
In retrospect, I wish I had been less anxious, but I have forgiven myself for that one. I do think I would have enjoyed the moment more were I not so insanely concerned about what was going on. I have long ago accepted, however, the emotional path that I am on and at this moment it was a scary thing to agree to commit my life to someone, even if I fully believe Ryan is the person I want to make that commitment to. So I want to give encouragement to other massively anxious kids out there- look! This is how someone with anxiety, trust issues, and fear of commitment gets engaged. And I could not be happier.
And if you read all of that, I know you want pictures!!
normal post-engaged photo (thanks L!)
(L said we didn't look excited enough)
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